Self Acceptance as a Journey

Our return to spirituality came from a place of significant change. We were leaving a marriage, living openly as a transgender person, and on the verge of leaving graduate school. All of this upheaval was terrifying and painful—but also absolutely liberating. It was powerful to be able to proudly claim, “I am here,” and to openly announce our identity. During the pandemic, when everything was online, it was easy to find supportive people who understood where we were and empowered us to be ourselves.

Some of our most profound experiences of openness and connection came through moments that felt almost psychedelic while using cannabis. These experiences revealed the vastness of the world—an energy of love and connection we later came to call Khaos or Infinity. These moments were powerful. They showed us so much. And then we would come down, feeling confused and disconnected again. It was frustrating to have all the answers one moment, only for them to be violently ripped away the next.

That search for meaning, for something to fill the void, led us back to spirituality. But to say we were never spiritual before wouldn’t be fair. As a child, I was deeply spiritual, and my mother was a safe person to explore that with. Raised in the Catholic church, she had left after witnessing the way they treated my Lutheran father when they tried to marry. She said, “F*ck you,” and found the Episcopal church instead. So I was raised Episcopalian, but my mother always emphasized that religious rules were made by men, and the word of God was not so restrictive.

We went to church on Sundays, but I kept stones in my pocket for health. I was baptized and took communion, but astrology artwork hung on my wall. I was raised to be eclectic. Whenever something spoke to me spiritually, my mom supported it. I felt especially drawn to St. Joan of Arc. Something about a powerful heroine in armor spoke to me—I felt connected to this icon who carried the strength and power of traditionally masculine knights, but who also had grace and beauty.

But things changed. A shift in church leadership brought in misogyny and homophobia, and my family left the church I had grown up in. That loss turned me off from religion, and as puberty hit and my passion for science grew, I leaned into anti-theism. Yet, in hindsight, I see that disconnection as an essential part of my spiritual journey. I learned so much from those days, and being fully focused on the material plane pushed me to heights I don’t know if I could ever achieve again. And I’m not sure I would want to.

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

This brings me to what I really want to talk about: self-acceptance as a journey.

My path through life has been one of learning, unlearning, and relearning—constantly weaving together new understandings into a tapestry greater than its individual threads. Just yesterday, I had a terrible day for my mental health. I felt awful about my creative energy and drive. My loving partner sat with me and talked about the need to sit with myself—to find self-acceptance and self-love.

I retorted that I didn’t want to build a hugbox to comfort myself in my inadequacies. I felt like I was failing—struggling creatively and also in my search for employment.

Their response stuck with me:

Self-acceptance isn’t about giving myself a pat on the back or tearing myself down. It’s about noticing and accepting where I am so I can move forward in that awareness.

And they were right. Soon, I realized that part of my breakdown was very clearly tied to my need to eat, sleep, and shower. Today, I feel so much better. I cleaned my house, and my office—buried under ADHD piles—finally feels usable again. I needed to accept where I was and take action to make the changes I wanted in my life.

Because I knew I struggled with cleaning without someone else around, I called my girlfriend over, and she just hung out while I got things done. Just yesterday, I felt inferior for needing this support, but by accepting it, I got the results I wanted and got to spend quality time with my girlfriend—a true win-win.

After cleaning and attending my weekly discussion with the Weavers of the Web, I actually sat down and started writing this blog post—my first one!

Moving Forward with Acceptance

I want to be the best spiritually guided creative I can be, and I’ve wanted to start a blog for a while. But instead of beating myself up for not having a blog post before Convocation this year, or for my messy office, I simply accepted where I was, took focused action, and let my progress inspire me to keep going.

I know I’ll forget some of the lessons I’ve learned today. That’s part of the beauty of this journey—learning, unlearning, and relearning, following the natural ebbs and flows of life.

I am in a good place today because I accepted that I wasn’t in a good place yesterday.

Wherever you are in life, take a moment to sit with yourself. Accept where you are. That’s the best way to find the path forward.

Wilder Dreams - Dax